This is not me telling you to stop living. This is me telling you to START.

I have always been the type of person that is completely content in the station of life that I am in. I abhor the feeling of wanting to get something over with, and I am mostly a "live in the moment" sort of person, so I like to get the most out of what I'm actually doing at any given time. I never wanted to be a different age than I was, growing up, either. I was happy to be a kid when I was young. I was happy to be a teenager when I was 16. I was happy to be in college when I was doing that. I did grow a little impatient to get finished with college, but I believe that was because I transferred colleges, switched majors twice, and got married and had a kid in the middle, so it took me a LONG time to get my degree. Not to mention, it was a really long degree. But I enjoyed my student teaching experience when I got there, and I was really excited most of the time to be doing whatever it was I was doing.

The same thing with my first pregnancy. I was really uncomfortable at the end, but I was still happy to be pregnant until the week that I ended up being told I was going to be induced anyway. That week, I had pitting edemas (I was so swollen that when you pressed on my skin, it sank in and did not bounce back out, making "pits"), my face and nose were so swollen that you could hardly recognize me (I thought), I could barely walk because I couldn't flex my ankles, and I was a little bit scared as my daughter and stomach had stopped growing. Luckily, my obstetrician shared my worries and gave me a few more days before inducing.

This time, I am really healthy. I haven't gained much weight, mostly because I didn't lose any of the 70 pounds I gained with Jocelyn, so I was technically "obese" when I got pregnant, but also because I had some NASTY morning sickness in the first half. I will never forget asking my mom to make her famous boef bourguignon for my birthday this year, and then her half-laughing at my disgusted face as I tried to choke down as much as possible of it. It tasted so good, but I could barely keep anything down! Back to the point, I haven't gained much weight this pregnancy, just over 10 pounds (3 of which were this week, oops). I'm healthy and I've been eating a lot better than I was able to with my first pregnancy. I'm also happier. My husband and I had literally JUST gotten married when we became pregnant with our first child. I came home from our honeymoon, expecting to start my "cycle" within two days, and I never did. So, not only did we have to get used to being married, but I was a hormonal wreck and my husband didn't know what he had gotten himself into. Then, we had to make room in our already cramped and new life for another person. We were less than prepared, and our marriage suffered for it at first. It's hard enough to get married and learn to live with that person without adding another crazy life changing element! My husband and I, when we got pregnant this time, were still not expecting the pregnancy, but we were happier about it and better prepared in the foundation of our marriage to handle another little person being entrusted to our care. Besides, my husband realizes now that sometimes, I'm just not very nice (and especially when I'm pregnant), and it really has absolutely nothing to do with him personally! Ha!

However, in spite of all of these things, I am extremely impatient to get this baby out and get back to being able to move around. I found out I was pregnant with my daughter at 9 weeks, and I was induced at 38 weeks to the day. This time, I knew I was pregnant within less than 3 weeks, and I'm 38 weeks and 4 days as of tonight. So, it's been a "longer" pregnancy, in a way. Also, I am not as anxious/scared for how it will go in the hospital, so I'm prepared to get there and push the baby out. One thing that I am anxious about that makes me want to go into labor faster? I have no idea what it's like to just go into labor spontaneously, or to have my water break. I don't know what to expect. With Jocelyn, I had a scheduled time to go to the hospital, get into a gown, and get hooked up to an IV to get started. After a while, my water was broken for me, so when I got up to go to the bathroom, I wasn't surprised to find myself leaking, and I had a little blood to go with it since it was broken unnaturally, so I knew exactly what was going on. Plus, there were nurses around all the time to coach me and tell me what was going on. It took almost an entire day in the hospital before I was able to hold the baby in my arms, but it was all so predictable. This time, I keep feeling like it's going to happen, like I'll go into labor... and then for a day, I feel fine (if tired), great in fact, and have few contractions. I don't know what it feels like to have a "real" contraction. I don't really know what menstrual cramps feel like, so comparing it to those doesn't help. I didn't feel the contractions in the hospital until they were bad enough to make me want to have an epidural, until the pain was at about a 7 or 8 on the scale. I keep getting pains that aren't really anything like a cramp, and I'm not sure what those are. So... I have no idea if I'll be in the 25% that have their waters break before they go into hard labor, and I have no idea if I'll know that I'm in labor until it's really close to time to push. This, for me, makes me want to get to that stage so I know what's going to happen.

I also want to meet the baby. I'm ready to know what she will be like, if she will have black hair like her sister did, or be toe-headed like I was. What we will choose to name her for certain. Will she cry, or just look at me with baby blues like her sister, taking in the scenery? What will her sister think of her, for real? Will she understand as well as she seems to now? How will it feel to love two children? I love my daughter so much, more than you can imagine before you have kids. It's so different, the love of a mother for her daughter. But, she's so special. How will I love the next one? Will it be the same? Will it be different? Will it be... both the same and different? Will I feel so strongly for this one, or will it be more casual because I've done it all before? I want Jocelyn to feel all the same things I feel, because she's my daughter and I love her and... that's the way our relationship works. What if she resents this baby? How will that change how I feel? I can't know these things until the baby comes. So I am EXTREMELY impatient to find out.

Strange thing happened, though, yesterday and this morning. I decided to pray about it, to give this up because I can't decide when this baby is coming. She's got to come on God's time. "Baby's have no concept of the clock," many wise moms have said, "they come when they're ready." But I was SO impatient, and I abhor that feeling of waiting for something to happen for my life to be content. So, I prayed, and said to God, "I know that you know better than I do what will be the perfect time for this baby to arrive. You have knowledge of things that are beyond my reach. So, I pray she comes when she's supposed to come, and when it works out the best for all involved, and I pray that I have peace until that time." Or, something to that effect.

I talked to my mom this morning. She's kind of my go-to person to help me with Jocelyn and be here for me when the baby comes. I've kind of wondered if I should ask her to come sooner, because I feel really alone and like I can't get anything done on my own anymore, and I just want my mommy. But then when I talked to her, I found out she's super sick with a sinus infection that is also wreaking havoc on her digestive tract, and she can't come right now anyway. She wasn't going to say that, I don't think, but I told her not to be worried and just relax and get better, because I felt today as if the baby had a while longer (I had been feeling like it was any time now, but I think maybe that was wishful thinking giving me psychosomatic labor symptoms). Then she said "that's great, because I don't think I could make it there right now."

God's timing. Baby's not ready. Gram's not ready.

Jocelyn is ready, though. I didn't tell her Gram was coming when the baby came, or that she got to go home with Gram for a while after the baby came, but today: "When is Gram coming? Is she going to take me to her house soon?" "Where's my Gram? I want Gram." And "I want Gram, and I want Papa too. He can come if Gram still is taking me to Gram's house." That's one smart kiddo. Must have heard me talking about it.

So, if you're the type of person that is always wanting something to change, always thinking "if only ___, then I'd be happy"... listen up. You'll always want more that way. Be happy with what you've got, or change it now! Then be happy with that. Don't continue to want more, or different, or whatever. Just be happy. Be happy that you're in the transition. Be happy that you're searching for something new to make you happy. Be happy you're doing the work you need to be doing right now. Work hard so that you can play hard. Because I can't imagine living life like that. Why bother living if you're never going to be happy, always looking for something more? This is not me telling you to stop living. This is me telling you to START. I can't hardly stand it, and I'm glad I got rid of the feeling and I am slowly reminding myself that, hey, you're pregnant, and you may never be pregnant again, so you might as well enjoy the perks, even if they are few and far between. I am reminding myself not to worry about labor, my family, if my baby will be anywhere near as sweet and well-behaved as my daughter... because I can't do much about it, nothing at the moment, anyway.

Take it from me, it's so much better to "begin everyday as if it were on purpose."

Worry is interest paid on trouble before it falls due. -William Ralph Inge

An unhealthy marriage can often be seen manifested in the spouses' daily lives. For me, for instance, this is physical clutter and disarray in my home. I mean, I have that anyway, to an extent. I'm just not the type of person that can spend ALL DAY cleaning and reorganizing, 6 days a week. I've done pretty well, I'd say, recently, and in different periods of my life. But there are times where I feel like I want to pick up and declutter, and I end up not doing it. Typically, for me, it is because I am frustrated or unhappy at the moment with something significant.

Does that mean any time you come to my home and it's messy, I'm mad at my husband? HA! No. Can't blame him for that. But it is interesting how, if you look into your own life, you can find ways that your life effects your life... in ways you wouldn't ordinarily expect.

It's easy for me to figure out that something is truly frustrating me when I'm constantly wanting to chat and talk with other people. I don't usually want to talk about whatever it is that is bothering me, in part because I might not even know. But I just love to chat with other people when I'm long-term frustrated. And yet, if I have a short errand-like phone call to make, I'm a lot less likely to make it during these periods.

So, I've come to the realization that I have certain "tells" for myself about when I'm unhappy about something, or what have you. But I have yet to figure out how to pull myself out of it the moment I notice the "tells." I suppose that would be the ups and downs of being a human in this world. Not everything goes according to plan; in fact, it usually doesn't. Not everything even goes in a direction you can foresee, let alone one that you would hope for. The question is: Where do we draw the line between just letting things go and starting anew, and "fixing" what went wrong, what's going wrong, what's bothering us? Perhaps that's on a situation-to-situation basis. Perhaps not...

Unfortunately, a post of this sort doesn't have an answer. Not one that I can see. It's simply a matter of living. A quote that I recently came across from Marion Zimmer Bradley stated this: "It has never been and never will be easy work! But the road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination." Perhaps it isn't about what we do, how we do it, when we act, when we don't. Perhaps our outlook is what matters most, and we can't control the outcome any better by worrying than by hoping. Perhaps we can't even really control the outcome... and we have to learn to accept this and do the best we can with what we're given.

Dorothy Dix said, "I have learned to live each day as it comes, and not to borrow trouble by dreading tomorrow. It is the dark menace of the future that makes cowards of us." I think this expounds on a section of Matthew chapter six (Bible) quite well. In this, Jesus states not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself, and today has enough trouble of it's own. He also begs the question "Who of you by worrying can add one hour to this life?"

So, though this post isn't about worrying, I think the same wisdom might apply. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again (with a smile and a song?). Don't give yourself any excuse to be less than your best, and at the same time, realize that you deserve a break when you really do work hard. Otherwise, you'll go batty. As I sometimes do! And... if you're like me... your house will show it.