Parent Talk

I mentioned in my last post about some of the books that I'm reading relating to my 'craft', teaching, and parenting. One of those is:




I
LOVE
this
book.

This is re-training yourself with how you talk. And it's really, very interesting.

I am all about words. Since I was a little girl, I've always felt that if you change your thoughts and words, you can change your outlook, your life, your future, and the world around you. This book reminded me of this axiom of life, long forgotten.


Things that I do with my own kids were in this book, both as good and bad examples.  Things that I do myself were in this book as things to teach your kids through your words to them. Amazing.

Let's talk about the book's set up first, and then go into more specifics about the content. The book is divided into sections: Choices; Response-ability; The Search for Solutions; Learned Helplessness; Praise, Criticism, and Self-Esteem; Parent Talk at its Worst; Intimacy; Feelings; Increasing Conflict; Reducing Conflict; Odds and Ends. In each of these categories, there are 1-3 page examples. I love the way this is set up visually: Each example is like a chapter heading, but in a talk-bubble, as if in a cartoon strip or comic book. So, the speech that is desired is in the bubble, and the explanation or anecdote of how and why this works is the next page and a half or so. It's really an easy-to-read book. This way, you can read one 'scenario' or 'example' at a time, just taking less than 5 minutes, and digest it as you go throughout your day; or, you could read it through, scenario by scenario, 'chapter' by chapter. You can skip, or go straight through. So, it's set up really well for any type of reader. And the actual "prose" (sometimes informational, sometimes anecdotal) is very easy to understand, but also breaks down some thoughts that are simple but perhaps you've never thought through.

So, I'm in love with the layout and basic concept. On to specifics.

First of all, I love all of the section headings. They hit a lot of the areas that children need guidance in, and even include a section on the worst things you could say and why (which, by the way, have big grey X's in the thought bubble under the words, so you know at a glance they are things NOT to say). Great!

Here are some specific examples within those sections that I have come across and I love even more than other examples:

• "Make a picture in your mind." This one is in the Response-ability section, and is about mental rehearsal.  Perhaps one of the most popular uses of this is the pre-interview rehearsal.  You imagine yourself going into the interview, calm and collected, and having a great talk with the interviewer, who is impressed with you and your credentials.  This is one of the examples that I talked about earlier; I use this myself, and (of course!) realized: I should be teaching this to my kids!  The author illustrates this parent talk as a method of clarifying your expectation for your children.  For instance, before you go to do something, you can have them close their eyes, and "make a picture in their minds"; talk them through the situation as it would ideally go for them.  "You're getting ready for bed.  You've taken a nice warm bath, had a snack, and now you go joyfully to the bathroom to get your toothbrush.  You brush your teeth all by yourself; what a big girl!  You go to your room, and pick out a few books to read.  Mama comes in, tucks you in your blankets, and you lay quietly on your pillow while Mama reads to you.  When it's time for lights out, you close your eyes and drift off to sleep, happy and ready for tomorrow."  This sets them up with your expectations of their behavior, and also can set them up for a positive situation, with positive feelings toward you and themselves.
• "You're a car." This is also in the Response-ability section.  This is more specific.  It gives the example of the author's son coming to him crying because someone called him 'stupid.'  The dad turns him around to face him, and says, "You're a car!"  The kid says, "What?"  "You're a car!"  "Dad, what are you doing?"  "I'm calling you a car.  Car, car, car, car, car!"  Basically, the idea is that you lead the child to the realization that he is not turning into a car just because someone said he's a car.  The dad says, "[Son], there's something interesting going on here.  I'm calling you a car and you're not crying ... Would you mind explaining that to me?"  Son says, "Dad!  I'm not a car!" Dad: "Well, you know what [Son]?  You're not stupid, either."  The main idea of this?  "MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHAT SOMEBODY SAYS TO YOU IS WHAT YOU SAY TO YOURSELF ABOUT WHAT THEY SAY TO YOU."  It's in caps and everything.  I love this.  Change your self-talk, or in this case, teach your kids to change their own.  "Teach your children where their power really is.  Help them appreciate the fact that their power is not in controlling what others say to them.  Their power lies within and is regulated by how they choose to talk to themselves."  This is SO important.  And I absolutely LOVE the example.  Very easily understood by people of all ages, easy to remember, and usable.
• "Please make a different choice."   As opposed to "don't" or "you can't" or "stop it" or any of these.  This put the responsibility into the child's hand to change their behavior, and to decide how to change their behavior.  I've been using this in the classroom as well as at home.  My Kindergarteners are a tough group this year.  I used this sentence with one last week.  He immediately changed behaviors to one that was acceptable.  This told me two things: (1) He knew what was acceptable, and (2) he needed the incentive to change it himself.  Many students respond to added responsibility when they are causing trouble or falling behind.  Most people, period, will learn to have more responsibility in the long run if you give them behavioral choices rather then tell them what to do; besides, they'll respect you more to boot.  The message? "I see you as responsible for your own actions.  You control your behavior.  You choose your responses to life."  Thus, consequences aren't any one's fault but the person incurring them.  (This is in the "Choices" section of the book.)
• "I love you, and I don't like that behavior." This is from Odds and Ends.  I'm not sure if this needs much explanation.  Just make sure the kids know that what you don't like is the behavior, not the kid personally.  If you're a teacher that genuinely doesn't like a kid at the core, first of all, you should think about a new career, but secondly, don't let her know that.  Treat her with as much love and respect as you can; discipline the behavior!  This is a HUGE deal for self-esteem as well as developing a relationship with you.  That having been said, there are going to be one or two kids in the 20+ years you will be teaching that you genuinely dislike.  My advice?  Get to know them better, use positive mental rehearsal to train yourself to look at the things you like about her more than the things you don't like, and if all else fails remember: she won't be your student forever.  If it's your own kid, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ONE!
• "Say you're sorry."   This is a phrase that is X-ED OUT!  Which I LOVE!  I have done this so many times, and I never, EVER have like it.  The author makes a few points that I whole-heartedly agree with: - saying "I'm sorry" is a simple penance, and easy out; the kid doesn't have to think or mean what he says - this teaches the child to deny their feelings of anger, frustration, or sadness, and choke them down to apologize.  It teaches them to "forget what you'd really like to say." We are doing them a disservice by teaching them to deny their feelings.  If a child is sorry, don't coerce her into pretending differently.  "Say, 'Tell him you're angry because when he called you stupid it felt like a put-down,' or 'Let Bob know you're frustrated at the amount of time he's taking with the computer game.'"  If a child is sorry, she can be encouraged to say so, and learn from her mistakes, by expressing what she has learned from her behavior and what she'll do differently next time.  "I learned that you don't like me talking to you while you're on the telephone, and it's my intention to wait until you're finished next time."  This way, "we teach them the valuable lesson that to be sorry means to behave differently."  I have told many people in my life that the only "sorry" i need is for the behavior to change.  This helps me teach this to my kids!
• "I noticed." This is in the Intimacy section.  There are variations to this one, but the idea is to communicate "I see you.  You are important here.  You are visible to me.  I notice you. It's a way we communicate to the child that he is valued and appreciated."  Also, you can use this to point out that the child is learning something, which they aren't always aware of.  "They begin to think and believe, 'I am a learner.' Once that belief is in place, they act more like learners.  Learning then increases, which strengthens their belief that 'I am a learner.'"  This is the type of positive mental imaging that I LIVE for!  Can I say it enough?  I LOVE THIS BOOK.

Well, that's plenty of examples for right now.  To close, I am happy to report that I am continuing to read this (along with the other two books I'm reading), and since it is in a nice light paperback, I'm carrying it in my purse for reading on-the-go.  These principles definitely need more than one review in order to incorporate, and I plan to change my speech to everyone I speak to as much as I can.

Who doesn't love a book by a guy named Chick?