Feeling Like a Small Child

Sometimes, I still feel like a child.

I think about what someone that I look up to, someone that's a mentor or that's been in something a lot longer than me, does or did and I think, Man, I want to be like that. I often wonder how I can do something like that. 

Let me give a 'for instance.'  My mentoring teaching for my elementary student teaching experience was AWESOME.  He was just amazing.  He's a great teacher and had a plan for my student teaching experience that really taught me well.  One thing that he had down was classroom management.  I know I'm a new teacher, but I don't feel like I have that down.  I feel like the more fun the kids have in my class, the more out of control they are, which means the more I have to control them, which means the less fun I have and the less real teaching I get to do.  But, the point is, he had this way of getting everyone's attention.  It worked in the classroom, it worked in the cafeteria, it worked in the gym, it worked at assemblies... it worked everywhere and for all grades, K-6.  Now, I do have grades 7 and 8 as well, but I will tell you:  it's not really working for me.  Now, I do have to mention that he had been teaching at the same school for a long, long time.  So he had the kids somewhat trained.  I will give it some time.  This is really what I need to do, period; give the kids time to adjust to me and to get used to it, and take extra time re-teaching.  I forget that they're not doing it 8-9 hours a day, 5 days a week.  They're with me for 25 minutes, 2 times a week, or if they're middle school, 40ish minutes a day, 4 times a week.  So they will need re-teaching.

But I do feel a little urked, and a little bit like a kid again, when I have things like this that I saw an "adult," or veteran, doing, and I can't get it right, or I can't figure out how to do it my own way.

What throws you back into a child's mindset?

Heirloom tomatoes

I LOVE fresh tomatoes. The best tomatoes I've ever had came from my aunt and uncle's garden and have for years. They grow beefsteaks that are out of this world! It is worth the eight hour trip to Chicago.

But, alas, it's February, and I don't have plans to see them until the summer.

I bought some mini-heirloom tomatoes at the store the other day, almost on a whim. The heirlooms are some of my favorites because they are non-GMO varieties they are always firm, they're delicious, and their colors are exquisite.

Unfortunately, I didn't get a picture of the bright green and the brown tomatoes that came in the pack; my husband jumped on those two or three immediately. But these are the reddish and yellow-orange. And I adore the way the pulp and seeds are green and muddled in color, juxtaposed to the skin. You can see the opposite colors radiate through before you cut into them, and then once you do, you're rewarded with these unbelievable combinations. It leaves me in awe of creation.



Yes, I find extreme beauty in my produce. What of it?

Oh be careful, little minds, what you think.

It's weird how the people you're drawn to earlier in life end up being similar to you years later, when you've had no or very limited contact in years. You think, wow, there's so much I missed about this person that's there now. Or, maybe, kindred souls are naturally attracted to one another and you can't even sense the real reasons behind it.

Maybe we know more than we can know with our thoughts.

Maybe we intuit more about the universe than we realize.

We need to stay sharp in order to fully experience this world. Eat well, do things that enhance your experiences. Fill your life with hard work, hard play, adventures and fun.

Live! Laugh! Love! Bring it! ¡Adelante!

My family has been through some hard financial times since our beginning. Money can't buy happiness, but many stresses, problems, embarrassments and worries can be solved simply by having enough money and managing it correctly.

I have two girls, J and E. I worry a lot that they get what they need. We have less money than what we use right now, and it's a constant juggling act to make it all work. We survive on less than $300 per month worth of food for a family of four. It would be better if I could do less than $200, so I'm working on that. But so far I've been able to make due with a little under $300. That being said, I like to buy some things for my kids when they ask. Saying, "no" all the time gets old, even for the person saying it. Today, at Target, we were buying cake mix and frosting. (I have yet to find a scratch cake recipe that both doesn't take all day to make and actually tastes good and not floury. Feel free to help me with that if you think you can...) Tomorrow is my husband's birthday, and though I don't have money for a present, we made him a card and I bought him the things to make cake, costing less than $5. Anyway, we are in the baking aisle and my daughter picks out some Jello. She asks so nicely. So I let her pick out 5 packages (totaling a little over $3). It was the highlight of her day to get the Jello and then later, to make it.

It's the simple things. You don't have to have a lot. You don't have to buy your children everything under the sun. In fact, I don't recommend it. Teach them patience and self-control by NOT buying them everything they ever wanted. You'll be doing them a favor and showing them you love them because you want to teach them about life more than you want to buy things for them. A 68¢ packet of Jello made a kindergartener's night tonight and her lunches for the rest of the week.

Another great thing happens when you don't buy everything the kid wants. You can use it for rewards. Or bribery. Whichever works. I have a friend that randomly and without warning comes with a laundry basket and picks up anything that's on the floor. To get it back, the child has to do chores, one for each item. There are a few catches, though. You get clothes back first, and if you don't have any clothes because you left them all over the floor and you have to go to school looking foolish, so be it. I think this is an awesome system. But, you could also use incentives to get extra chores done. If your child does extra chores above and beyond what's expected, they can earn something. I like the idea of giving some kind of reusable currency and giving the wanted item a price. Such as, use marbles in a jar. Each chore has a payment set out. Two for wiping down the sinks and counters in the bathroom, etc. Then, the model plane you want is 20 marbles. Or use magnetic clips to clip dollar bills and a slip of paper describing the chore needed to get the money, and hang on the fridge or create a board that says "Chores for Hire," or something similar. Then the kids can buy their own stuff. Tada! You're teaching your child to work, save, and be patient.

Find ways to enrich your life without adding more stuff. "Human cholesterol, stuck in the system..." You don't need money, fancy travel, the latest toy or album. You don't need a "damn the world" attitude to have fun. Just go. Do. Love. Laugh. Give. Be compassionate. Learn. And keep strong. Nothing lasts forever, the good or the bad. Just keep on keeping on, as they say, and when you look back at your days, the memories will be numerous and you'll know you lived well.

Just Don't

When you're harboring a hurt, when you keep something a secret, it never protects others, it never saves you grief, it never guards you, not really. The old saying, "hurt people hurt people," is really true. When you're hurting, you hurt those around you. You may not even realize what your pain or anger is stemming from. But it's hiding a previous wound, and in hiding it, allowing it to fester and remain open.

I know this from experience. There is a hurt, a sin, and a feeling of wronged, that I have not been able to be transparent about to anyone. Not a soul. Because of this, it sits. And it never heals. You think time will heal? No. That's just simply not true. Time can make things clearer, or less fresh, but time never heals a wound you never admitted and never properly dressed.

Do yourself a favor. Be transparent. That hurt? Maybe it can help another person that's hurting. Maybe right when someone needs someone to trust, baring it all can give the nudge that person needs to allow herself to trust in you and unload some of her burden. Who knows? But what I so know is that you'll never be as much as you were meant for, who you were meant to be, or do the things you were meant to do until you're willing to reveal it all, with or without apology, however is needed.

Now, I don't mean go to someone that hurt you and pick a fight. I mean be willing to go to someone you trust or be wiling to open up to someone that needs to hear your hurt. Talk about it. Be candid. Be honest in extremes. Admit your wrong, and admit the anger you have felt, the pain you caused yourself and others, or whatever the aftermath. Even if it's been years, there's aftermath to secret hurts. Ask for forgiveness, forgive yourself and the others that were involved. If you don't know Christ, you may consider calling to God for his help and forgiveness. (Or, even if you do know Him.) Keep telling the story whenever you're compelled for selfless reasons. Help others learn from your mistake or learn from your openness.

But don't keep hurting. And don't keep feeling stuck. Or miserable. Don't keep hurting those around you. Don't keep walking around with a hole in your heart.

Just don't.

Trust me, I've been there.

In fact...